At peace after 20 miles

Hi, mom.

Don't know if St. Peter accepts third-class mail up there, so I hope this reaches you OK. Just wanted to drop you a note and let you know how it went at last weekend's Relay for Life.

It's been 14 months since the leukemia took you, and last year was an especially difficult one for us as we struggled to move on without you in our lives. Of course, I know you are watching over me all the time in spirit, but it's just not the same without you.

Sometimes we cried together or by ourselves — you just don't know when those moments will pop up, whether it's at work or at the grocery store or at home — but that's healthy, and I'm glad you raised me to not be afraid to show my feelings.

We all gathered at your gravesite in June to mark the first anniversary, but I guess you already knew that. It was a healthy part of the grieving process.

Last weekend was, too. When I participated in last year's Relay, it was only six days after your funeral, so I was still in a state of shock. This year I thought might be tougher because the reality of your absence had sunk in. I thought watching the survivors' lap would be hard knowing you weren't meant to be one of them, but it was actually uplifting to see other people who were able to celebrate their lives with their families. I'm happy for them, even if my heart is heavy.

You would have been proud of me last year — I was one of the biggest fundraisers in the state. Some woman in Billings beat me by about three grand though … This year, I knew I probably wasn't going to raise as much — your funeral really helped donations last year! — but I vowed to do the 20 miles like I did last year.

All those years of playing soccer and basketball really came back to haunt me, though. My knees were killing me. The good news is that when I'm old I'll be able to tell when it's going to rain and snow.

The key to doing 80 laps is just to focus on blocks of 10 at a time. At the 33rd lap, I really started to cramp up, but one of the ambulance guys made sure I drank a lot of water, and I bounced back by lap 40. I was really mad at myself for not being better hydrated after spending all day Saturday out in the sun, but I'll be more careful next year.

Polson High School principal Rick Rafter was out there for the 10th year in a row, and he really gave me encouragement to keep going. Wayne Fuchs was so lively as emcee at two o'clock in the morning that you just had to wonder if he raided the St. Luke pharmacy before the evening started. I was also joined by two friends during the last 30 laps, Mike and Katie, and they really gave me the boost I needed to finish the last few miles.

Once I hit lap 60 or so, I really started to feel old. I was reminded of this by a 13-year-old out there who was already on mile 35 by the time I finished my 20. He ended up with 50 miles — a great job. I don't even like thinking about driving 50 miles…..

Funny thing was I finished at 2:35 a.m., almost identical to last year's time. Slow and steady wins the race, or in my case, drags his sorry, sore butt across the finish line. I went home, soaked in a hot shower, and then slept until late morning.

I could barely walk into work on Monday, but I limped with pride cause I knew you were watching me.

I love you, Mom. I'll be out there next year.