A little bit of humor from Down Under

My globe trotting friends George and Helen Thomas in Seattle recently sent along this bit of humor supposedly reflected in notes between Australia's Qantas Airlines pilots and maintenance personnel. Qantas, incidentally, is the only major air carrier without a serious accident.

The Thomases explained that after each flight pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. Repairs are made, documented on the gripe sheets by the mechanics and reviewed by the pilots.

By their comments, it's apparent that the ground crews have a good sense of humor.

Problem: Left inside tire almost needs replacement.

Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.