Mr. Smith goes to Helena

So, there's some new laws that take effect this Saturday, Oct. 1, based on the 2005 Legislature's session. If you think about it, it's pretty amazing all the factors that go into getting a law passed — compromise, negotiations, special interest money … and sometimes common sense.

But what's amazing is just how many bills get passed that really don't seem to affect the Average Joe. It seems to me that for every one bill that makes headlines, like the smoking or open container bans, there's a host of others that don't really seem to matter much, or have much impact on the average person.

If I were a legislator, I'd submit a host of bills based on my pet peeves. So, with that in mind, here's my list of laws that would be enacted if I could just snap my fingers. (I call on all of our local legislators to write these up as bills and submit them for the 2007 Legislature. I'll be checking.)

The Little-Punk Teenager

Car Stereo Bill

Bill text: If you own a car stereo capable of making the rearview mirror in the car next to you vibrate, then you must turn it down to non-vibrating levels at speeds under 35 mph. If you don't, then the reporting party can write down your license plate and sign a complaint against you, which will be heard in justice or city court just like any other minor traffic violation. If you lose, the fine is $100, payable to the reporting party. For a third conviction within a two-year time period, you will be required to install a normal factory car stereo at your own expense.

The "Customer Service" Bill

Bill text: This bill applies to any company that has a recording that says something to the effect of "Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and the next available customer service rep will be with you as soon as possible."

For every five minutes you are kept waiting past the initial five minutes from when you placed the call, the company must deduct five percent of whatever it is you are paying them for (airline ticket, credit card, phone bill, insurance premium, etc.) The deduction applies to each consecutive five-minute block of time, and is good up to 100 percent of the cost of the product or the amount owed.

Any company that utilizes the following message is exempt from this bill: "We are eager to take your money. However, in an effort to save money at your inconvenience, we staff a minimum number of customer service reps because we know there's nothing you can do about it because our competition utilizes the same operational practices, and that you have to stay on the line regardless."

Obnoxious Sports Parent Bill

Bill text: No parent is allowed to contact any athletic coach below the college level to complain about a lack of playing time for their kid, to second guess any positioning changes a coach might make, or to make any suggestions whatsoever to the coach regarding his or her choice of how to lead a sports team. Any parent who violates this faces a fine of $100, payable directly to the coach. In lieu of a fine, the parent can write a 500-word essay explaining why they think they can do a better job yet don't feel like devoting dozens of hours of their own time to coach other people's kids.

Obnoxious Sports Parent Bill, Part II

Bill text: No parent or coach is ever allowed to verbally abuse a referee, umpire or event judge below the college level, no matter how bad the call might be. If someone does so, they can either be fined $200 or can choose to become an umpire, referee or judge in the sport of their choice for one full season. Completion of that season would satisfy the requirements of the fine. Otherwise, the full fine amount goes to the official in question. Or they can write a 500-word essay explaining why they think they can do better but don't actually have the guts to go out there and call a game.

Intrusive Cell Phone Bill

Bill text: It shall be illegal to answer, talk into or otherwise operate a cell phone in any restaurant in which the average bill exceeds $20 per person. Any person who receives or makes a cell phone call while in the restaurant shall have $25 deducted from the bill of any table adjacent to them and applied to their bill. Those expecting important phone calls can put their phones on vibrate but can only answer or return calls outside of the restaurant area.

So, that's it for starters. I'd love to hear your common-sense bill ideas. Submit them to editor@leaderadvertiser.com or give me a call at 883-4343.