Some really dumb puns

Among Other Things

Paul Fugleberg

Seems that no subject is exempt from punsters. Here are a few — some old, some new — in various categories:

Geographic

The uproar in the Middle East is a puzzle — with a peace missing.

Congressional and the state legislative committees keep minutes but too often waste hours.

A Tibetan housewife, smelling something burning, rushed into her kitchen and screamed "Oh, my baking yak!"

Egyptian back-straighteners are called Cairo-practors.

Off Taiwan a ship loaded with yo-yos sank — 184 times.

Then off the California coast, two freighters collided resulting in a large spill of red paint. No injuries, but the crews were marooned.

An Alaskan lit a fire in the bottom of his kayak. Of course it sank, proving you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

In Australia they tell about a fellow who went crazy trying to throw away his boomerang.

A Scottish anthropologist digging deep found copper wire estimated to be 100 years old. He figured that the Scots had an elaborate lighting system a century ago. Then a British excavator dug twice as deep and found copper wire estimated to be 200 years old — a sign that the Brits had an elaborate communication system way back when. But up in Minnesota, Ole and Sven dug an even deeper hole — and found absolutely nothing. Ole told Sven, "See, our Norwegian ancestors discovered wireless communication."

Sheep, at least in Massachusetts and Maine, go to the baa-baa shop to be shorn.

Over in Wyoming an ornery rancher stopped his neighbor from taking sheep across a frozen pond. Told him, "You can't go that way — nobody can pull the wool over my ice."

Music

After singing in choirs for more than 60 years, I dropped out a couple years ago. My cultivated voice was simply plowed under.

A fish with perfect pitch is known as a piano tuna.

The irritable music critic wrote "The song was written in C, sung in D, and it sounded like H."

A razor blade company was considering a theme song "Nobody knows the stubble I've seen …"

Religion

Noah and his family couldn't play cards on the ark because Noah sat on the deck.

After all the animals left the ark, Noah discovered two snakes still aboard. "Go forth and multiply," he ordered. One snake answered, "We can't. We're adders."

God created the heaven and earth in six days — he didn't have to wait on planning boards, permits, impact statements, injunctions, appeals, and court rulings.

The first time visitor at Vacation Bible School looked at his classmates with their heads bowed and eyes closed in prayer, and yelled "Hey, you guys, wake up!"

Technology

A man named McIntosh joined the Apple Corps.

The dentist's patient refused Novocain — said he didn't want to transcend dental medication.

A digital computer is one who counts on his fingers.

Someone dropped a rubber band into one of the office computers — now it's making snap decisions.

Miscellaneous

Fortune teller: A specialist in seance fiction.

Press censorship: Writer's clamp.

Subordinate clause: One of Santa's helpers.

Synonym: Good on toast when combined with sugar and butter, Not bad in applesauce, either.

A way to get rich: Buy 50 female pigs and 50 male deer and you'll have a hundred sows and bucks.

Hanging is too good for punsters. They should be drawn and quoted. And to prove it, here are a few daffynitions:

Short poem: Terse verse.

Limerick: Witty ditty.

Autobiography: Your car's life story.

Stucco: What you get when you sit on gummo.

Acrostic: An angry insect.

Adamant: The first insect.

Starving poet: One who discovers that rhyme doesn't pay.