Yogi would have been a great political consultant

Among Other Things

By Paul Fugleberg

A goofy saying I learned as a kid was "Last night, yesterday morning before breakfast, a little boy about 40 years old, jumped through a brick wall nine feet thick, fell into a dry mill pond and drowned."

I sometimes reply to questions of "What's new?" with that statement.

When I think about it, I'm reminded of one of my favorite baseball characters of yesteryear — former New York Yankee baseball player and manager Yogi Berra. Not only for his playing and managing ability, but for his prowess at scrambling the English language into confusing, contradictory, verbose, repetitive statements — and wordy, too.

I don't know how many games from which umpires ejected him for arguing. Probably not many because they'd have a hard time understanding what he was saying.

Today, the AFLAC duck commercial features Yogi in a barber shop expounding philosophical observations and confusing barber, customer and duck.

I think Yogi might make a pretty good political consultant and speech writer considering the number of politicians and candidates accused of flip-flopping on various issues. Potential clients might be such notables as the Clintons, Bush, McCain, Kerry, Romney, Giuliani and others.

Paraphrasing some past Yogisms, he might tell the candidate to acknowledge his introduction at a political rally saying something like, "Thank you all for being here tonight. I know this is a busy time of year, and if you weren't here, you could probably be somewhere else. It's wonderful to be here again. I haven't been back since the last time I was here. Everything looks the same, only different. Of course, things in the past are never as they used to be.

"Before I speak, I have something I'd like to say. To be honest, I'm not much of a public speaker, so I will try to keep this short as long as I can …"

He could advise them to tell younger voters, "There are a number of words of wisdom I might depart. But I think the most irrelevant piece of advice I can pass along is this: The most important things in life are the things that are least important."

He could tell them not to worry about making mistakes: "Things are much more confiscated now. It seems like a nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. But let me tell you, if the world was perfect, it wouldn't be. Even Napoleon had his Watergate … You'll make some wrong mistakes along the way, but only the wrong survive. Never put off until tomorrow what you can't do today. Denial isn't just a river in Europe."

"Half the lies you hear won't be true, and half the things you say, you won't ever say."

"Hold on to your integrity, ladies and gentlemen. If you don't have it, that's why you need it."

No, Yogi isn't thinking of running for Congress or president … but who knows? The election isn't until November 2008.