The joke of the butt

By Marty Fortier / For the Leader

"We interrupt the war on terror, subprime crisis, coverage of Election '08, homelessness and the chronic uninsured to bring you this breaking news:

"Mr. Clemens, were you or were you not poked in the butt by this man?"

Hey folks, I ain't jokin' about this butt. I turned on the news Wednesday morning, and for the next four hours I watched U.S. congressman after U.S. congressman talk about a baseball pitcher's gluteus maximus. I couldn't believe it. At one point I went back to bed and re-woke-up just to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I wasn't.

So let me get this straight: In the middle of an election year, where the candidates are knocking each other over to convince us that we face crisis after crisis, the United States House of Representatives is investigating steroid use by a retired baseball player.

Uhhhh, OK. We've got hundreds of judge appointees left unconfirmed, we have no energy policy, and FISA — the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act — is about to expire, yet Congress feels it's more important to get to the bottom of Roger Clemens' … well … bottom.

Why stop there? I'd like Congress to find out why my kid doesn't start for her basketball team. And how about an investigation into all my socks that don't match up? Hmmm? Simple laundering error or massive underwear conspiracy?

Yo, Mr. Congressman, how about looking into this ozone thing? Why is it that the ozone layer is good, but releasing ozone into the atmosphere is bad? I think we need a congressional hearing to uncover why all shopping carts have one wobbly wheel.

Why don't we see birds falling out of the sky? With all the birds around, don't you think we would see more dead ones? Let's get some testimony on that. I'd also like to find out why it is that the best sporting events take place during church. And darn it! Let's get the boys on Capitol Hill together and finally find out why devices that you buy extended warranties for never break down. Hmmm?

As I sat in disbelief Wednesday morning watching hours of scuttlebutt over a derriere, I couldn't help but think: We actually elected these bozos. I guess we're the real butt of this joke.

Fortier is a former advertising executive and current freelance writer. He is also co-creator of the Design Center in Hayden where he operates several retail businesses. He can be reached at: mbfortier@icehouse.net.