What's in a name?

Jennifer McBride / Typewriter Tales

God was caught selling cocaine in Tampa, Fla.

Well, kind of. According to the Associated Press, a man named God Lucky Howard was arrested Saturday for selling cocaine to an undercover officer. He's being held on a bond of $86,500.

If I had a name like that, I'd turn to drugs, too. Naming your kids "God" or "Jesus" is just asking for trouble. The spirits of irony will spend the rest of its existence fluttering over your child.

"Hey Wayne," she'll say. "I've got a good one!"

"Not now, Meredith! I'm hot on the trail of Sheriff Pigg!"

Of course, it works the other way, too. A man named Jaime L. Sin became Archbishop of Manila and later, a cardinal. So he was, literally, Cardinal Sin.

Sometimes, I think the worse crime my parents ever committed was giving me my name. "Jennifer" is the epitome of boredom, the soul's name of every blonde, stereotypical cheerleader stretching back from here to the stone age. Back then, they probably used raised rutabaga - shaped clubs instead of pompoms. Can you say, "gimme an 'oogk'?"

To be fair, my parents can't be blamed for everything. Part of my pain and humiliation must be laid at the feet of one Jennifer Lopez, who created a hellish year where I couldn't walk into a debate round without some adult who thought he was being "hip" singing "I'm still Jenny from the blooooooccck….."

The cultural connotations surrounding the name Jennifer aren't just recent, or double-platinum. According to the Baby Book of Names I got my grubby fingers on as a kid, Jennifer is a derivative of Guinevere. Cool, said my seven-year-old self. I'm a princess. At 13, I hated it. Who wants to be named after a woman who symbolized flighty femininity? Better to be named George, I thought. At least he killed a dragon. I would have gone by my middle name as a form of protest, but my parents took the easy way out and left that part blank.

I'm still a little bitter. Jennifer is a very difficult name to maintain. There are so many Jennifers in the world, I am constantly looking over my shoulder as people shout their name at the top of their lungs, rarely referring to me. Yet, despite its commonality, "Jennifer" is impossible for some people to remember. Frequently, I get called Jessica, Jamie, Jeannie and, at one memorable high school party, Claire. Now I just get called "newspaper girl" or "that dumb reporter." That's pretty much okay with me.

Today's parents don't same to have the same lack of creativity. Odd-spelled names are basically the bane of my existence. When I ask people to spell out "Bob Jones" they give me the sort of look normally reserved for toads about to undergo lobotomies. Yet the one time I forget to ask how to smell "Linda Smith," she's sure to be "Lyndae Smythe." So remember, parents, every time you give your kids an easy-to-spell name, a reporter gets her wings.

God wasn't the only person getting arrested lately. In January, police arrested Bryan Scott Moron of Burleson, Texas after he allegedly crashed his truck into a mailbox. The headline on Fox News? "Police arrest moron."