Happy landings

Despite the threats by would be terrorists, unruly passengers, emergency landings, hundreds of canceled flights due to weather and inconvenient security screenings, there are still some humorous situations encountered in airline travel.

Flight attendants rarely get the attention they really should have when they recite their memorized safety tips. But they do attract a few more listeners when they improvise and/or ad lib their messages.

 Here are a few my brother sent me:

Giving instruction in using the seat belt, a Southwest Airline attendant said, “To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.”

 “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

Attendants occasionally are critical of the pilots:

Commenting on a less than perfect landing, the attendant said, “Please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

 Or how ‘bout this? “Please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

After a “co-pilot” landing at Salt Lake City, the attendant announced, “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. It wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, and it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault – it was the asphalt!”

 The pilots come up with some unusual remarks, too. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.”

 Another said, “We’ve reached our cruising altitude now and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.

 As the plane was coming to a stop at Washington National Airport, the pilot was heard on the intercom, “Whoa, big fella, whoa!”

 A passenger can sometimes get the last word. After a rough landing the pilot was reluctant to stand in the doorway and thank customers for flying his airline. He just knew someone would have a caustic remark. But they didn’t – until a little old lady with a cane was the last passenger to leave. She asked, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

 Australia’s Qantas Airline has pilots fill out a “gripe sheet” for maintenance personnel after each flight. That leads to some interesting note exchanges:

Pilot – “No. 3 engine missing.”

Mechanic – “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

P – “Aircraft handles funny.”

M – “Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.”

P – “Dead bugs on windshield.”

M – “Live bugs on back-order.”

P – “Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.”

M – “Took hammer away from midget.”

P – “Mouse in cockpit.”

M – “Cat installed.”

Happy landings, everyone!