Downing the Doughnuts of Doom

Out-of-shape sports editor tackles toughest race in cross

country... the doughnut mile

I've done some stupid things in my life.

I've foolishly worn Eastern Washington University gear on the sideline of a University of Montana football game only to get stalked by Monte like he was looking for a mid-fall snack.

I still kick myself for eating a whole package of watermelon yogurt to "gain energy" before participating in the Polson Boys' Soccer team version of a preseason workout called The County Fair last year. I'd call it cruel and unusual punishment, and that was only exaggerated when my stomach kept trying to eject its cargo after yet another devious conditioning drill designed by head coach Jess Kittle.

I have scars from that time in college when I thought it would be wise to hop in a shopping cart near a steep hill.

Hey, I never said Eastern Washington University had especially smart students.

But nothing quite compares to the "What the heck did you get yourself into" moment I had while eating doughnut No. 3 two weeks ago during Polson Cross Country's end of the season Doughnut Mile.

Basically the rules are eat a doughnut, run a lap... and repeat three more times. After talking to our editor-in chief Ali Bronsdon, most of the cross country team members agreed that the running isn't the tough part, it's the eating.

Now, I personally feel that eating is something I excel in. Throw in the fact that I'd be eating doughnuts and I thought that this thing would be, literally, a piece of cake.

However, I knew I was in trouble when Polson's cross country prodigy Claudia Hewston took a peek at the large doughnuts I had chosen for the race and looked at me as if I had just been sentenced to 40 years in the Montana State Prison.

"Oh..." she said, probably making a mental note to stay a safe distance away from me during the race for the resulting upchucking.

After Polson cross country coach Matt Seeley ran down the rules and talked about how breaking them would ruin the honor of the doughnut mile race, several cross country runners and I immediately dived into our first doughnut.

And hey, it wasn't bad. It wasn't bad at all. I'm actually pretty used to stuffing pastries into my face. The running wasn't bad either. Now I was by far the slowest person around the track and the chest pains kicked in about halfway through, but that's totally normal for a journalist.

The second doughnut wasn't that great. You know when you go to a gas station and there's the fried food that's been sitting out all day and has developed a crusty shell? But you buy it anyways because you're starving and just choke it down? That's what I did with the second doughnut. The sugar was starting to give me a headache.

Again, the running wasn't bad, namely because you kind of get a breather between each lap while you suck down your donuts.

Doughnut No. 3 was by far the most harrowing eating experience. It beat out the watermelon yogurt and my stomach went into Libyan revolution mode. And I still had one more doughnut to go. I actually enjoyed the third lap, as it gave me a break. However, there was one more glazed demon awaiting me at the end of the lap.

Choking that down would have been the perfect time to break out a "Got Milk" commercial. I'm pretty sure the doughnut was sticking in my throat on the way down. It took me roughly five minutes to down the fourth and final doughnut.

I'm not joking, that thing was awful.

The final lap was great. Not because of the running but because I knew I didn't need to eat anything once I finished it. Now, I finished dead last in the race... but after experiencing that digestive experience, are there really any winners?

Those cross country runners are some tough cookies, and I tip my hat to you all, because I'll probably refrain from pastries for the next six months.