I've heard, 'Hey, You!' too often

The concert’s backstage security guard yelled, “Hey, you!” He was looking in my direction.

I didn’t understand why this large man with a muscle on the back of his neck (if he had a neck) would be upset with me for trying to get backstage at a Heart concert armed only with a media badge, a camera and my charming personality.

I looked around me and noticed I was alone, so I pointed at my own chest and cast a questioning, innocent gaze that said, “Sir, are you addressing me?”

To which he replied, “Yeah. You! Where the bleep do you think you’re going?”

“I’m with the media.”

“I see the media badge, Fletch. That’s not a backstage pass.”

By that time Muscle Neck had edged much closer and I noticed he was wearing a badge that said “Corky.” He was swiftly joined by another fridge with a jack-o-lantern head on top wearing a badge that said, “Snot.”

I would usually be amused by guys named Corky and Snot, but they seemed rather displeased and basically said if I didn’t get back in the media area ASAP they would make me AWOL. In my usual weak way of being charming, I asked Corky how he got his name. He said it’s because he corked his baseball bat, which he proceeded to “show” me. I hope I don’t have to be too graphic, but I didn’t have to ask Snot how he got his name.

I’ve been through this, “Hey you! Yeah you!” exchange many times in my life as a journalist. I say it’s because I’m always trying to get into interesting places to get the best stories and pictures for my readers. Michelle says it’s because I am socially retarded.

• I must be getting better looking as I get fatter and my hair thins. While at a Drag Queen show at a questionable Missoula bar, I was hit on twice: Once by a 67-year-old woman and once by a gay man.

I couldn’t get too upset but it was confusing.

The woman said she thought I was part of the show. So she must have thought I was a woman in drag -- with a graying beard.

The gay guy walked up to me while I was on the phone. He said, “It looks like you could use a shot, handsome. Can I buy you one?”

I said, “Sure, as soon as I get off the phone with my wife.”

“Wife?” he said. “What a shame.”

But I must say that both were pretty good looking and at my age and mileage, I’ll take whatever I can get.