Unusual uses for A1 and sporks

When you see me writing something during a long meeting, this is what I’m really thinking about:

• I accidentally used doggie shampoo this morning. My hair feels great but I have to pee when I pass a fire hydrant and I have a strong urge to chase cars. I got slapped when I asked a woman if she could scratch me behind the ears and rub my tummy.

• When I got home from work recently I discovered a blot of mayonnaise in the corner of my mouth and I wondered how long I walked around like that because I haven’t had mayo in weeks. Which brings up a long-standing disagreement between my wife and I. Should you tell someone you like if they have a disgusting facial compromise? Or is that just mean? I say, don’t let me walk around all day with a puss-filled pimple on my lip or a hair growing out of my mole or my hair looking like Sonic the Hedgehog. Once, Michelle came out of a fancy restaurant bathroom with toilet paper trailing so far behind her, when she sat down I asked her if she wanted to get re-married since she already had the train. After wiping A-1 sauce out of my ear, she refused to remove the toilet paper and walked proudly out of the restaurant that way, using one of her common lines, “I meant to do that.” She threatened to make a wedding veil out of toilet tissue so I decided to terminate the exchange and ran to the car.

• My wife got a new haircut. She e-mailed me her picture. It looked like a mullet. She asked me what I thought. I told her Billy Ray Cyrus called from the ‘90s. He wants his hair cut back. After a moment of silence, I asked her, “Did you mean to do that, too?” Thank goodness, there was no steak sauce handy.

• Been putting off getting glasses for years but my arms aren’t long enough anymore. And I have gorilla arms. But, for the life of me, I thought the pointer on my computer screen was a fruit fly. And it looked like it was making an obscene gesture. Time for bifocals.

• One more from the wife: After her mullet, she also got new red-rimmed glasses and claimed the gap between her front teeth is spreading. So, the wife looks like a cross between Billy Ray Cyrus, Lauren Hutton and Elton John.

• My used dog, Bruno, likes to burrow into things and sleeps with me at night. He regularly tries to sleep inside a certain pillow case while it’s still wrapped around a pillow, eventually shedding the case. It was a very adoring habit until a recent chilly night when Bruno mistook the underpants I was wearing for the pillow case. Neither one of us were very happy and we both made strange howling sounds.