LOVATO AT LARGE: Free Fruit

Some well-intentioned Seattle dwellers decided to grow fruit trees in a city park. The fruit is free to everyone.

I believe it will be very effective.

The vandals and the bums and the birds will destroy the fruit before it ripens. Rotten fruit falls on the ground and kills the grass, and dogs and birds poop on it.

People who step on the poop and rotten fruit and trip over the bums get ticked off. They find the bums and vandals and beat them to death. They fire BB guns at the birds. The cops arrest the killers and bird assassins, who are easy to find because they have poop on their shoes.

The park now contains no fruit, lots of dead grass, skinny bums and neurotic birds.

The scurvy-suffering vandals move back to the nearby apartment complexes to vandalize and steal and survive on convenience store food.

Chaos breaks out. Martial law is enacted. Communists and right-wing fanatics form a strange union in an attempt to overthrow the government.

In the vacuum, Chinese forces invade the country and take over the U.S. government and we all have to learn how to speak Mandarin, pick up dog poop, plant our own fruit trees, and give 50 percent of the fruit to the government which gives it to the bums and vandals and birds.

Meanwhile, politicians in D.C. become fluent in Mandarin and are re-installed in office once the Chinese discover the politicians were in it for themselves anyway, and they were already running a form of collectivism.

They create subsidies for fruit growers so urban areas can afford to eat fresh fruit (while farmers starve) and it soon creates an over abundance. Well-connected liberal urbanites start giving fruit away to bums, birds and vandals. Actual working people get nothing.

Commies and socialists declare victory for the people stemming from the City Park Fruit Tree Revolt.

Two percent of the people still control 98 percent of the wealth but now we have to drive badly made Sino-American cars, wear high-collared Nehru jackets, and live in homes where the countertops, toilet seats and windows are too low.

All because some well-intentioned liberals tried to do something nice.